I “need” a girl to feel complete!
I “need” this promotion to get ahead in my career
I “need” sex to feel good.
Where does neediness come from? Why is it that we feel we need material, a woman, money, etc. to make us happy? Yes, from what I described, these fun pleasures are all sources of making us feel good, but NEVER the main source of making us feel permanently happy. As human beings we constantly tend to confuse need and want. We tend to this on an unconscious level. Our basic needs for human survival are food, water, sleep, and sex. What about our basic wants? This is where the confusion comes in. The term “basic wants” does not even make sense. Wanting something, whether it’s an object or another human, is what we would like to have, but do not need it in order to survive. You may want to bang this really attractive girl with a sexy body. It would be a fun pleasurable experience, but if it doesn’t happen, does it mean it’s the end of the world? When want turns into a need, you may feel lonely and miserable, so the idea behind banging a hot girl, could very much “feel like the end of the world” if it does not happen. The level of desperation in an individual constantly increases when each basic need is not met on a consistent basis which results in NEEDY behavior. Neediness stems from our upbringing as children. As babies, we constantly are crying when our needs are not met, so we are pampered by our parents to fill the void. When parents tend to overly pamper and spoil their children as they grow, neediness becomes ingrained when a child becomes an adult. Expectations arise when entering the real world and failure seems tough to cope with.
I’d like to share a true story with you based on a girl I dated and how I felt the emotions of neediness during and after we broke it off. After gaining more success with dating and lays under my belt with women, I was caught off guard by this one girl who really took my attention. Our sexual and emotional chemistry was instantly incredible. I started to feel emotions I never felt before and it became an illusion of happiness. As things were heating up in the bedroom both physically and emotionally, she mentioned she had a few days off of work and wanted spend several days with me. I had to control the urges a lot, but the moment she wanted to plan a trip during her time off, to the Hamptons together, I got a huge boner…literally! As the trip was nearing, I felt excited because this was going to be a fun experience for both us, or so I thought. As things were progressively moving fast between us, she brought this to my attention and wanted to cancel the trip as a result of that. Instead of matching her response level, I couldn’t control the urges and I convinced her to go on the trip with me, which was the wrong strategic move. My needy emotions clouded my judgment on wanting to go on a trip with her, when I could have detached the needy emotions, easily mirrored her response level, and agreed it was moving too fast, as well. I realized how I reacted, and cancelled the entire trip because she took one step back, and I had to take two steps back. The reason for taking two steps back was based on the investment factor of always investing a bit less than a girl so you are never taken for granted. It was the right strategic move, but was painful because we spoke once after that, patched things up just to be on good terms, but never saw each other again.
The idealistic mind frame called “HOPE” started to kick in, and thoughts started to occur in my head such as “she is the one and she will reach out to me”, “she will realize that she lost me and come back”. As time passed, she never reached out to me and it was hard for me to accept that she lost interest in me based on our “magical” connection. This completely disconnected myself again, and it brought upon old behavior patterns because of the need to recapture that “special” feeling that would constantly haunt me and result in weak interactions with women, especially when it came to pulling the trigger.
Also on universal aspects of life, my attention was completely scattered when taking action, as I was constantly rushing interactions with people, exercising inefficiently, constant impatience with family and friends, etc. I was basically waiting/hoping for something to happen. It was time to accept the loss and recapture my manhood again.
As a man, have you ever felt super horny before and you couldn’t concentrate on anything until you would get off? Of course if you don’t have anyone, then masturbation is the answer, but what about when interacting with women in a horny state of mind? You end up feeling anxious, nervous, worried, needy, say stupid/awkward comments, etc.. Women are emotional radars that can easily feel another person’s energy especially if it’s being mirrored the wrong way. When you feel these urges and act upon how you feel when interacting with women, your facial expressions are completely transparent which show the agenda in your face and body language. On the other hand, let’s say you’re super horny and you crave to have your physical needs satisfied, but you are able to control those needy uncomfortable emotions, it can actually turn into sexual energy which is what most women desire in a man.
In all areas of life when you are needy for something, it can affect your state and how you go about taking action on daily tasks.
The experience of being let go of was extremely painful, but a highly valuable lesson in return by learning and creating the “Neediness” formula. First of all, what is the “neediness formula”? This is based on becoming consciously aware of when your urges and needs take over your thought process. You become emotionally attached to your needs. Remember, 0ur needy urges can be controlled when you become fully aware of this formula, but it’s not easy.
DEFINITION: Becoming fully aware of your needs and understanding when you are becoming emotionally attached to giving into your own urges/needs, which results in being eager and unattractive.
The NEEDINESS FORMULA= Basic Needs + Worried/Anxious Thoughts + Emotional Attachment to Thoughts
For example, let’s say you’re speaking to a highly attractive woman with a sexy body. Right away your heart is racing because a basic need such as sex comes into your mind and you want to fulfill it. While interacting with that woman you have emotionally attached worried/anxious thoughts about the fear of her not liking you or rejecting you which results in you not fulfilling your need. In addition to that, you attach the need for her to like you, because if she doesn’t like you, then sex is less likely to happen. Now imagine this girl does like you and has sex with you! HOORAY!…..Now think about your needy state AFTER the sex. Think about all that emotional investment you gave this one girl and now how do you keep her around? How do you control your urges and needs when being with her? You may think, “oh that’s easy, I already got her in bed once, now I can act however I want”. Sex is NOT a love contract. The moment those needs and impulses portray in your behavior, especially after you have sex, the higher probability you will lose her. As a man you always have to hold your own ground, NO MATTER WHAT. The needy urges necessarily don’t go away, BUT, you can definitely control it.
DEFINITION: Knowing when to identify and detach your emotions from the needy urges arising in your mind.
CONTROLLING NEEDINESS= Awareness of Basic Needs + Detachment of Emotions from Thoughts
Let’s use a similar example from above. So imagine you are in an interaction with the same sexy woman that has a banging body. Right away you are highly attracted to her and you know you would bang her on the spot! To control neediness is to become consciously aware of your basic needs. You know you are attracted to this women with all the dirty sexual thoughts going on in your mind, BUT you are not emotionally attached. You don’t NEED sex to happen. If it does than great, if not, then oh well…NEXT. Imagine sex does happen between you two and instead of getting overly excited, you simply go through the motions of the experience of feeling good. Your mind state after will probably be excited, but you are NOT heavily invested emotionally for this to turn into a NEED. Most women can feel out eager men like the back of their hand. Don’t let it be you.
ACTION STEPS IN OVERCOMING NEEDINESS
1 – Stop masturbating for a while and learn to master your most powerful urge, by overcoming your masturbation tendencies by not jerking-off for 90 days. FYI, do not try and assassinate me because this can turn someone into a crazy man! What the Fuck…90 Days! YUP – that’s right. Is this easy? HELL FUCKIN NO? The rewards and benefits do payoff. Our egoic desires are all about experiencing pleasure to bring back our thoughts to a balance state of mind. When it comes to releasing, YES, it feels fucking amazing. However, when it comes to being in CONTROL of your thoughts and emotions it can help you control your urges and needs when interacting with women.
Some people feel that they have to masturbate in order to feel less needy which is true in some cases, but I look at it as a “big picture” result. This is where real will-power truly lies within, by NOT giving into your urges and needs emotionally. It’s extremely difficult at first and you will tend to relapse as well, but both mental and emotional preparation are needed.
Any new Initial patterns that you are looking to add to your behavior will be difficult at first, but with meditation and exercise it will increase your levels of energy and help control the impulses and urges you have when it comes to masturbating. You can check out the No Fap Guide here which provides more of a scientific and mental preparation breakdown.
2 – MEDITATION – When dealing with the impulses and urges of neediness we tend to purposely want to get in our heads and try to figure out a way to fulfill our needs. We become attached to the need emotionally and become trapped, which can feel the only way out is to fulfill it. When this progressively arises, anxiety levels increase too. Meditation is proven to clear the mind of toxic thoughts and anxiety while providing you with a healthy state of awareness. When you meditate for at least 5-10 minutes a day, you tend to have more focus on daily tasks and you are connected more with your 5 senses. Many people don’t know how to meditate which can give you the wrong effect.
The WRONG way to breath is to act like you’re hyperventilating with your shoulders all the way up and then taking a deep breath. I’ve seen people do this and they seem more exhausted afterwards.
The RIGHT way to meditate is to sit down or lie down in a comfortable position, relax your shoulders, and as you are about to hold your breath with your nose, you want breathe through your diaphragm (like your filling your stomach with air from your nose). You want to do this 5 times a day by just focusing on the breath itself.
Understand it’s completely normal when it comes to being emotionally invested in fulfilling your needs. When you become aware that you are feeling needy, DO NOT fight it, just accept it and know that it will pass. If you try to fight it you will then be attaching emotion to that need and it will create an infer conflict within yourself. I will be releasing a special technique on how to connect with your senses to be more aware of the present moment. So stay tuned!