Let me take a minute to tell you a true story. A friend of mine (we will call him Dan) was friends with a mutual friend of ours (Lisa). In our social circle, we would often mingle, but Dan would never fail to give more attention to Lisa than to anyone else. It was obvious that Dan had feelings for her. Consequently, he allowed himself to become Lisa’s doormat, taking the time to listen to all of her problems and unfailingly showing excessive concern for her. Every word that came out of Dan’s mouth was “Lisa likes …”,”Lisa this… Lisa that…”, but in fact they hadn’t even made out yet. He yearned to be by her side, even when she got involved with assholes. This went on for 5 years! Five fuckin years! Ugh, just thinking about all of the time and emotional energy that Dan wasted makes my blood boil. Of course, Lisa knew that Dan liked her and would do anything for her, so instead of being upfront with him, she decided to exercise her power over him by incessantly toying with his emotions.
One night, we were all out drinking. Evidently, Lisa was feeling hornier than usual, because she actually wound up going home with and sleeping with Dan. Dan’s emotional state went through the roof! He couldn’t control his emotions – over the past 5 years, he had put so much time and emotional energy into Lisa that he could hardly believe that his investment had finally paid off. Unfortunately for Dan, Lisa told him soon after that she thought it was a mistake and that she would just prefer to be friends. As it turns out, Lisa’s decision to sleep with Dan was merely her way of exercising her right to use Dan as a “safety net” – nothing more. Dan hit an emotional rock bottom, became depressed, and eventually started living life without purpose. It took him a while to get passed these feelings.
The so called “nice guy” is always seeking approval from people. Approval seeking equates to a constant need for others to dictate your actions and emotions in order to uplift your emotional state, since you lack the ability to do so from within. There are plenty of nice guys out there who do well with women, but that’s because they are not nice just for gaining the approval of others, they have an “emotionally balanced mindset”. However, most nice guys are not so lucky. Let’s go back to Dan, he constantly sees Lisa, is there for her, listens to her problems, and always wants what’s best for her. Because he is ALWAYS there for her, he expects her to ultimately realize that he is “the one.” If Dan confessed his true feelings to Lisa verbally, then he would have just given her control over his emotions. Additionally, he has given her a “safety net” with his actions — she is free to do whatever she wants with other men, and she still has the luxury of keeping nice guy Dan in mind as an emotional “backup” if need be. Being affectionate and warm can be a huge turn-on, as long as there is mutual attraction, but overdoing it can turn a woman off if you start playing the “nurturer” role as opposed to the “provider” role.
When the so called “nice guy” manages to develop a relationship with a woman, he tends to devote unreasonable amounts of time and emotional energy in catering to her every whim. This is because the “nice guy” needs a woman to make him feel complete. He is keenly aware that women have more choice than men do when it comes to dating. In his mind, he thinks “Shit – she’s got other options. I don’t. Better make sure I do everything I can to avoid losing her”. He is plagued by these misguided thoughts, the nice guy has unknowingly fallen into the trap of the scarcity mindset. He does not think he can find another girl like her so he cannot afford to lose her. This is the reason why, when the woman ends up leaving our so-called “nice guy” and chooses to explore her options, the nice guy will invariably wind up being emotionally devastated, just like it happened to Dan. He would feel like he has no other options because she was “the one” for him. What’s worse, knowing that his former flame has decided to exercise her own dating options would result in leaving our nice guy with one helluva inferiority complex. Once again, the scarcity mindset has left our nice guy in a state of emotional turmoil.
The nice guy has the strong need to smother a woman with affection in order to get that woman to be with him. Unfortunately, in weak/so called “nice guys,” emotions can make men act in a way that is similar to men in films and media. Guys think that this is attractive – in reality, it’s a huge turn-off to women. Even if there is attraction between you and a girl, if you behave in a fashion that is similar to the prototypical male lead in a romantic comedy (sing her a song, surprise her with jewelry), you are still giving her power by trying to “buy” her affection. The hopeless romantic within the so called “nice guy” needs to make a woman happy, as opposed to wanting to make a woman happy.
This “needy” vibe is a direct result of these feminine emotions associated with the so called “nice guy”. This neediness stems from the nice guy’s desire to feel complete, as he believes that this is only possible with the companionship of a woman. Most emotional men define true happiness as finding a significant other in order to feel at peace from within. But when emotions are attached to another human being, it can create an imbalanced peace from within.
There is an abundance of manipulative people in this world, both men and women. However, women appear to be more manipulative than men in terms of the desire to have control in a relationship, and this is especially true in modern American society. Women LOVE sex but DON’t value it as much as men. Most men that fall into the “nice guy” trap seem to over-value women which consistently lands them in the friend-zone. Guys fall into the victim mentality by “waiting” and “hoping” that it will all work out because they are attached to the ideals of what society has provided these “nice guys”. The unfortunate thing is, these thoughts are created by the constant need of an outcome that doesn’t work out when your needs are based on emotion. Most “victims” rely on external validation to fall out of that mentality which just is a constant roller-coaster ride when being dependent on an outside source to “complete you”.
When it comes to succeeding with women, one thing to consider is that even if you wind up sleeping with a girl that you like, be aware of the fact that Sex is NOT a love contract. Most men that have success with women on a consistent basis feel that they already deserve it. When it comes to the “nice guy”, they feel they deserve it too, BUT because they are EXPECTING it. Dan was devastated when he found out that Lisa didn’t want to be with him, because he had put in so much time and emotional energy. The so-called “nice guy” has the tendency to think that sex is a love contract. In his mind, he thinks “Well, I’ve slept with her. That makes her mine.” This is misguided. It’s always an ego boost to get laid, but in the “nice guy” mentality, sex often leads to overly emotional behavior and a needy vibe. This needy behavior SHOULD BE replaced with a relaxed vibe and an emotionally balanced mindset.
I can tell you to “just be confident”, “be yourself”, “just go for it”, but that you have heard before. To be honest it all comes down to your mindset on how you go about taking action in this area of your life. I’ll dive into that further. Most “nice guys” that do not have a potential girl or constantly land in the friend zone are not deemed a “failure”. It’s your behaviors that fail, NOT you. To be a guy that gets laid consistently is to become aware of your weak behavior patterns that are constantly landing you in the friend zone in the first place. THEN, it’s time to observing, learning, and understanding what behavior patterns get you passed the friend zone. The truth is, confidence is the key, BUT the question is how do you just “be confident”. There are lot of attractive components that make up an abundant man, but the 2 most important behaviors to adopt would be BODY LANGUAGE and DOMINANCE. Now yes, Verbal communication is important as well, but you can say the BEST line, have the greatest interaction, but if you’re doing that with poor body language and a weak frame, then you will repeat the same pattern. Let’s go over these 2 components.
1 – BODY LANGUAGE- Body Language is SUPER IMPORTANT. There’s no scientific evidence that people can just read your thoughts, but people (especially women) can label you as either a “bad boy” or a “nice guy”. Most “nice guys” have reserved body language and live in “hope”, which results in portraying an eager vibe which shows in their body language by constantly leaning in, hands in the pockets, always rushing in speech, poor eye contact, and looking around all the time doesn’t show you confident; plus a lot more. If you constantly are frustrated, sensitive to the opinions of others, and cannot take a joke, your thought patterns will convey stiff body language which is a huge turn-off!
When relaxing the emotions of your needs internally as opposed to attaching high levels of emotion to you will instantly portray a more relaxed vibe. You also want to adopt a habit of looking into women’s eyes, (not like a creepy serial killer) but in a very sexual/relaxed way. You are NOT afraid to be who you are. You’re a sexual creature, so there’s NO NEED to be ashamed of conveying your intentions indirectly. Body motions such as shoulders relaxed, deliberate motions when moving, walking as if you own the city you live in (not cocky or egotistical, but REMEMBER- nobody can take you out of your reality…NOT even the sexiest girl alive). Adopting basic attractive body languages creates more intrigue from a woman’s perspective.
2 – DOMINANCE – This behavior 1 huge turn-on when it comes to taking the lead and owning your own ground. However, when it comes to the “nice guy”, this is one important behavior that is missing from his foundation. Keep in mind – MEN are WIRED TO BE DOMINANT! So the behavior has to be accessed within yourself. Being dominant doesn’t mean you have to be a dickhead around people and just boss people around. The sexy traits of dominance consist of taking the lead when difficult situations arise. Most men in THIS SOCIETY want women to lead because they are afraid to lose. The truth of the matter is, society has not brainwashed you, but has brainFUCKED you into thinking like that. Women are wired to go for dominant men. You are not afraid of your actions. Behaviors that consist of dominant behavior would be, being physical with women, knowing how to lead, and not afraid to state your own opinion. If you are trying to bed a woman you are attracted to and you are not giving slight touches to convey your sexuality, you will wind up in the friend-zone indefinitely. Touching is SO IMPORTANT. As sexual creatures we all love to be touched. It feels good and you build up strong sexual tension. Now, I’m NOT telling you to rape the girl, but YOU MUST convey light touches to really state your intentions.
Emotional Balance is KEY to keeping a relaxed vibe will keep you from falling into the trap of the “scarcity mindset,” and will help you to avoid giving off needy and impatient vibes. This will make you more attractive to women.
We all have our own ways of relaxing — watching TV, a movie, going to the gym, meditation, etc. These can be all effective means of temporarily reducing the “I need it now!” vibe, but the first step towards eradicating it permanently is to realize that you are displaying it in the first place! The moment you are cognizant of the fact that this needy behavior has a grip on you, first make sure to not attach any emotion to it. Then take deep breaths through your abdomen in order to rid yourself of all that toxic, negative energy. This is not necessarily a permanent fix, but the AWARENESS is the first step towards getting there.
Many times our needs tend to take over our emotions in the worst way possible! It took a long time for Dan to realize this, but it the pain he experienced was a blessing in disguise to really show what he is capable of in the long run. When you can turn pain into opportunity, you are on the right path into coming into a state of self-acceptance.